DarthVader.Is.Hot.

There seriously needs to be a book about the laws of attraction. It’s confusing, exhilarating and maddening. Sometimes all three at once, sometimes just one. You’re definitely on your toes for this. And as aggravating as it is to be pulled in all directions for this attraction, we want it so SO much. 

I was seeing a guy last semester - ok, seeing is a strong word for it - and at the start of this ‘fling’ I left everything up to him. I wouldn’t expect anything till he called me, I wouldn’t try and contact him and I tried not to dwell on him much. One day I decided that since he and I got along so well and were clearly having a good time that I would actually start taking initiative. This is where the laws of attraction bit me in the ass. The moment I showed I was interested, I could actually FEEL him pulling away. It was so embarrassing and irritating and put me in a little bit of a funk (though this funk lasted only about a week its’s not because I eventually brushed it off, but more because I found someone else. Which, when I think about it, doesn’t necessarily make me feel good about myself!)

Though he and I stayed friends over the summer with the occasional fb chat/flirt I wasn’t into him anymore. And some stupid cosmic force was making him try harder to ‘woo’ me (I put those in quotations because most of the time he just made it clear he wanted to have wonderful play-dates). WTF is up with that? And the most revealing thing was that I felt some sort of power over him. That I had the upper hand.

When I came back this semester, he tried many times to come over but because I wasn’t interested I was able to keep a clear head and this seems to have driven him mad. One day he finally managed to come over and even with me saying ‘No, it won’t happen’. I even gave him the cliche speech: “It’s not you, it’s me. You’re a great guy….smart, cute, funny and you smell nice. But I’m not really looking for anything (AT ALL) right now.” I then told him that he was acting desperate and needy and that in this weirdass relationship he was being the needy woman.

AND HE KEPT TRYING! 

Maybe he’s just one of a kind, but I have never had to reject someone SO much. Even now, weeks after me insulting his manhood, he tries to start something.

The nastier I was, the more elusive I became the more he wanted me. And it really showed me what lots of us girls, since we’re the ones more likely to admit it, go through.

The more of an a**hole he is the more we love him. 

Sooo it’s been a while. 

I’m in desperate need to vent and as a courtesy to my friends, who I have been pestering way too much, I turn to the Tumbleworld, where you can easily avert your eyes from my angst.

Why is it so goddamn hard to be an optimist? I’m going through one of the hardest times in my life and I am either being realistic/pessimistic (another aggravating issue) or just avoiding it altogether. Everyone I’ve spoken to about it has given me the same ‘It’ll all be ok’ speech but every time I hear them say it, in my head I’m screaming, “BUT HOW ON EARTH DO YOU KNOW!?!?!”. It’s not that I don’t appreciate what they’re saying! I desperately NEED to hear SOMEONE tell me it’s ok but at the same time I can’t help but feel jealous that I don’t feel the same optimism. 

Some of my friends even went so far to say that they would pray for me. And those of you who know me may be shocked to know that I actually felt some sort of relief at the fact that all bases of good thought would be covered. I went a step further and even prayed too - just once- saying that this was the one and only time I would do it and that if She exists then things had better freaking change. Even doing this made me feel like a slightly better person. But it didn’t make me feel better. 

Especially given the circumstances, it just makes me feel like an awful person. If I can’t be positive for someone going through something traumatic, does that make me a bad person? Whenever I voice this I’m told that I’m being a realist and that that’s a good thing. Really?

There seems to be a very fine line between being a realist and a pessimist. Because anytime I try to be realistic about something I’m really looking at the negative consequences of that action. How ridiculous! I’m my own worst enemy! 

I can’t even live with the hope that after this ordeal is over I can brush it off my shoulders and move because what if it happens again? <— realist or pessimist? 

This whole thing is like a garbled stream of consciousness but putting it on a page is cathartic nonetheless. 

18. Talk about your extended family. Why do you think they are the way they are?

Since I’m Indian, my extended family is HUGE and the people are not really strangers to me. I have a great mix in the family. I have the cool, accepting, westernized side and the excessively orthodox and judgmental side. These people are the product of the lives they’ve led and how exposed they’ve been to other ideologies and ways of life. They’re also very competitive. It’s as if siblings/cousins/anyone is pit against you and you have to rise above them (obviously in the academic sense). Getting into universities and getting great grades don’t just make me happy but they act as proof that my parents were good at bringing me up. Too much pressure and too much drama. Still, lots of them are really open and fun and don’t treat me like a lesser being (don’t get me started on the whole girls are not as good as boys crap I see all too often).

17. Who was the last person you kissed? (If you are still with them now, pick the person before them.) What would they say if they saw you now?

Last person was this guy I see once in a while (in a semi booty call way). If he saw me now he would declare that I owe him a cuddle. 

16. What are you passionate about?

Of all the things I’m passionate about, I definitely think my Objectivist views are the ones that stand out. After reading Ayn Rand’s novels and essays, I think that my views on life and the way I want to live it have completely changed. I love the idea that man is great, especially because we spend so much time being self deprecating that we forget the amazing achievements we’ve made. I think in many ways I am more passionate about life and the fact that it is sacrosanct, but not in a religious sense. I really believe that instead of worrying about what happens after, make what can happen now count.

15. What do you believe in? And not just God or atheism.

Yeah no atheism rant coming because we all know you’ve memorized it. But given that I just had a long (and glorious) night out, I’m extremely hungry so I have decided to share my belief that food has healing powers.

If I’m having a down moment, all I have to do is put some delicious grub in mah mouth and the world is alright. Like when I feel down, I eat cheese fries (OMMMGGGG THEY ARE AMAZING) and triple chocolate fudge ice cream. And the moment I’m done I feel so good. Complete recovery. And it’s not transient at all. My whole day is effing awesome if I eat something good. Even just thinking about the deliciousness in my life puts me in a good place. Cheese fries, easy mac, stouffers, Rod’s, whipped potatoes, cheesy bread, cereal, cape cod chips and on and on and on and on omg I just want food so bad right now that I don’t even remember what the point of this post was. 

….ok.

Sorry. Probably should have left this for later and been all deep and philosophical but now I just want food so bye.

14. When you are stressed, what can you use as an outlet? Why do you think it helps you?

SO. I use my best friend as a stress outlet, but since there is that disgusting time difference, a girl’s gotta find another way. In come trashy novels. The best stress reliever. 

Transports me to another epoch that I would have LOVED to live in. Gorgeous men who exactly fit the personality I look for in a guy (sarcastic, strong, passionate, sexual), beautiful dresses, salacious situations and romance!

My favorite authors are:

Karen Hawkins

Suzanne Enoch

Julia London

Ooohhhhh check them out. We’ll pretend you don’t love them even though they’re the guilty pleasure you love so much :)